i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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