Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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