need another drink. this is the easiest way
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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