Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
