there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
