I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
