"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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