Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
