Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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