dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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