All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
