Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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