I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize