and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
