Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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