I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
