I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am naked and annoyed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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