Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
