I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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