So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
