Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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