the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
