I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
