I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
