Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
