You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
