seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
