what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
