Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
