ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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