When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
