I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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