Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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