why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
