Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
