the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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