Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
40s are totally the cure
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
