everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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