If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
