Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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