My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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