I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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