WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
did i just pee glitter
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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