there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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