She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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