Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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