Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
