I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
