Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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