the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
