There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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