I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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